Danial ADH's video: fucc my life fucc youtube monetization succ m5f90

Read this loser currently sitting in the dark at 3am, tears running down my face while I wait for my gameplay video to finish rendering. Ive had clinical depression for the majority of my life. I feel even more hopeless for my future. I get bombarded with questions like “Whats your plan for college?,” “Where are you going?,” “Why havent you transferred yet?” It hurts more and more and I keep telling myself to talk to a therapist yet I have no money for one, my insurance doesnt cover it either, and my parents tell me that therapists are for the mentally ill (they dont know I have depression). However, one thing I can hold onto has been my dream of becoming a YouTuber. Not even a famous one, just one that can make a living off of doing something fun. It’s been my dream since I was 13, learning how to edit videos by the age of 13, and finally kickstarting a xxxx channel by the age of 19 with a new computer. Yet, even with every video I make, every new idea I have, it doesn’t quite get any traction even after posting it on various subreddits. I put 2 weeks of work into one video just to see it get viewed about 30 times by me refreshing the page over and over when there’s a guy who literally burps for 10 seconds with 1.2 million views (exaggeration, although I wouldn’t be surprised if that existed). I dont want to become a architect, a computer science major, or even a nutrition major. I dont know what I want to be in college. Im going into my 1st year undeclared and completely lost, but what keeps coming back up in my mind is becoming a YouTuber and thats my dream. But being in an Asian household normally feel hopeless on a daily, life just has me not wanting to be alive anymore. Im scared of killing myself due to my fear of dearh, although I certainly dont want to be alive. But making videos has been the only thing making me just a little bit happy from time to time. It helps me forget all the responsibilities of college breathing down my neck, it helps me forget all the stress of a 9-5 job. It helps me forget my insecurities, my failed relationships, all the friends Ive lost and all the rejection I get from girls who already have boyfriends. YouTube just helps me forget about everything. I guess to sum it up. I havent made much of anything doing this as it was a hobby. While a hobby its fun to make money ( what little of it) that gets used to buy new games or equipment to enhance that hobby. Now I just wait for the depression to settle in and watch years worth of work pretty much rot away. Yes I know it's still there but knowing anything I do in the future can get automatically be flagged and I can't even act like i normally do because one "f*ck" will ruin the video.