Janet Devlin's video: Rat Race Poem

I just want to clarify before anyone takes this poem the wrong way! This was inspired by a conversation I had with my therapist. So it’s incredibly self indulgent as I’m literally paying her to listen to my ramblings about my life. I was having a rough couple of weeks and was fully playing the worlds smallest violin for myself. So I’m in no way looking any sympathy for this one haha I’m aware I’m a very lucky human and I genuinely love my life! But I wanted to share a snippet of my ill thoughts when I’m having a flare up with my BPD. So just know - these thoughts aren’t me! I'm still the optimist! Words: Rat Race The problem is I never planned to live this long. I used to laugh when people would ask about my future, As if my note wasn’t already written. Signed, sealed undelivered, in a pretty envelope. The details of what song I wanted played as they laid my body in a box. I never seen a life where I’d make it past 20. But now that I have, I’m not prepared. All my friends Are having babies, buying houses and settling down and I’m only just wrapping my head around the concept that I don’t want to die anymore. The fact that I spent all my savings on saving myself. Never bothering to learn what a pension plan was for or how to cook a meal for 4 considering I always had one foot out the door. Putting all my time into art because it was the only part of me that would ever survive. Now I’m left wanting to scream in the face of anyone who dare ask why I don’t own a place or have a nest egg saved for a rainy day. Why I don’t have a ring on my finger as if I wanted to bring someone aboard a ship that’s a sinker, destined to go down at any given moment. They called it selfish when I didn’t want to be here. How so many pray for another week, day, hour… year. As if I didn’t already carry that guilt. As if that didn’t add to the many reasons I built about why I was an awful person. As if one man’s pain isn’t another man’s sheer bane of existence. But here I am. Living. Scrambling. Chasing. Last place in life’s rat race. Playing catch up in the marathon at a sprints pace. Eine Kleine Nachtmusik (by Mozart) by Mozart Creative Commons - Attribution 3.0 Unported- CC BY 3.0 https:|/creativecommons.org/licenses/ Music provided by FreeMusic109 📸 Naomi Kane Listen! https://lnk.to/janetdevlin Follow! https://linktr.ee/janetdevlin Don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel - https://goo.gl/XLtVKC & ENABLE 🔔 to receive notifications when I upload new videos!