Miles Carter's video: struggling with commitment

music is i wanna buy the apple by sean angus watson transcript below I’ve been working through a lot of trauma. Life has been revealing parts of myself I forgot a long time ago. I've learned that finding yourself is more of refinding what you lost than finding anything at all. It’s like we go through life adding so much to ourselves, just to end up removing it all again; I know I said beginnings always hide themselves in ends. But I keep ending up at the beginning of the same lesson I learned wondering how many times I'll have to lose myself to find myself again. I’m struggling to write this because I have a hard time believing the things I say. I don’t know what’s honest from what sounds good. I speak truths that are close enough to my reality to be relatable but far from what makes my soul feel accomplished in accurately expressing itself. But I’m trying. The other day my dad asked me if I struggle with commitment. I said I don’t know. but I’ve thought about it since then and I think so. When things begin to feel close I tend to withdraw. The atmosphere of actual intimacy scares me in a way. Maybe it comes from childhood, and having to depend on myself for most emotional engagement, I became independent. But a false independence, the kind you adopt by adaptation not the kind that’s nurtured into you. The kind you learn from being alone. The one that enables you to control a room and feel isolated in it. The kind that draws people to you and keeps them away simultaneously and I’m tired of my only emotional expression feeling like complaints. I wanna sing a new song. I wanna feel safe again. I wanna know God like I knew life would turn out well when I was younger, I don’t wanna feel depressed. I wanna dream again. I wanna hope in something bigger than and inside myself, I wanna smile without questioning it. Or cry without holding it in. I wanna feel safe in my own mind, I wanna find myself without fear of losing him again. All praise to the Most High @unfollowcarter / milescarternc@gmail.com