XxShipperHeartxX's video: What happened on May 23 2018 PTSD

TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD, Sexual Assault, Attack Warning: cursing and description of my attack below Some of you already know this, but I was attacked while walking home on May 23, 2018. A man I had never met before attempted to strangle me and do god knows what else, I managed to surprise him by hitting him and ran home. I used to say I was lucky it wasn't worse, that I should be over it because I got away. I would tell myself I was being overly emotional and needed to stop. After two years, though, I've accepted that I do have PTSD, and yes, I am grateful I got away, but that doesn't change the fact that I was attacked, and it changed me. I still feel his hands on my throat, I have panic attacks when anyone touches me, I have nightmares all the time, and I'm always fucking terrified, and something I never expected was the anger. I am so fucking angry about it. Sometimes I want to fight any man who dares follow me, get in my space, or catcall me, and sometimes I want to run and hide forever. The scariest thing will always be his eyes, though; they were dead. He didn't show any emotion when he attacked me, a stranger. I had just been walking home from my friends' house, listening to music, and he calmly walked across the street, made his way towards me, and grabbed me by the throat. If I didn't escape his hold, I don't think I would be here anymore; something in his eyes told me that I would have died that night. Some of my family and friends said that I was strong. My dad said he was proud of me because I fought back, but I don't feel brave. I feel weak; the only reason I escaped is because I caught him by surprise. Some people in my life just said it was normal, that this kind of thing happens to women all the time and I need to get over it. I'm sorry to ramble, but I guess I just needed to say this to someone. I'm just so tired of men thinking they can attack me, and I'm tired of always feeling like this. I've been screamed at and chased down the street by a stranger screaming "Scared little girls", I've been catcalled and harassed at my job and so much more and I'm just sick of it. I've been kissed two times in my life and neither were consensual, but people ask why I don't like people touching me and say I need to get used too. My body is mine, no one has a right to my body, and I'm sick of people acting like they do. Like I am at fault because I won't let them do what they want and call them out. I made this video to get how I feel into something other than my head. I did this before when I was struggling a few years ago with something else, and it helped more than I thought possible. Sorry, I don't know what else to say, I'm not the best at talking about all of this, but I just needed to make this to share how I feel in a way I haven't been able to with words.